Mondae 26. MARCHIE.2007
I was confused and lost. It suddenly struck me for all my wrong doings. So many ppl ive troubled and hurt. It was the suckiest feeling. Some thing we did wasnt intentional. Certan things happen without any planning. Things happened and you screwed up. It doesnt matter what the other thinks coz they are conceptualised to their own mindset over u based on the incident. I dun wish fer time to turn back. Things happen fer a reason wther good or bad. I dun want to explain myself as much as im i guilt fer loosing tat trust, but i felt its pointless trying to defend sth which doesnt appeal to anyone. Im not so hard up fer good impreesion or being in good books. I dun even intend to suck up and try to convince mah part coz i cee its really fake. Curiousity kills and yes it did.
It hurt me as much. Yes, i was really hurt. Adding on to the thongs ive yet to start on importantly, the number of trouble and heartache ive caused to the ppl i love... doesnt help. It doesnt make me feel good fer the person i am.
One moment, i was reflecting on mah friends whu attempted suicide, wad does it feels like? what were their thoughts? made made them so brave despite being coward? JULIA, a fren ive alweas adore, u past away in a scene which i never dream of seeing. Ur helplessness make me feel helpless msef. You were my pillar of strength. You never fail to impress me with the kind of strong-edge attitude and being strong person deep inside. But one point of time, it kills you slowly fer trying to be what u are not. Portray what you didnt feel, ur conviction was the strenghth tat keeps you goin. I believe with strong heart tat you cud cling onto it longer. You told me abt suicide. It shock me wen u did. Why did ou turn around those inspiring words.
For one moment, i wanted to be with you. I wanted to die with you. It didnt matter if i had to be thrown in hell and see you fly in heaven. At least to see you once again to where you deserve, will make my decision worthwhile.
I wanted to feel the gist of what you went through, not the pain the thoughts an dthe feeling.
i think i noe hw it was like. Its was the most contradicting feeling. You wanted it as much as much as you don't. You couldnt stop what has happen. Its a risk. I had a pleasant dream wen i fall asleep. It was all white and cloudy. Before i close my eyes, my heartbeats pumps faster then a speeding ferrari, i bet u. I was scared to what if this is my last day? I thought of those who love me and need me? But i was too late to turn back time.
The next morning, i was a half dead meat who cudnt touch her own senses. cudnt speak her own mind. cudnt move and walk. i was stranded on de couch and on the bed whole time feeling drowsy.. sleepy.. but in the same time, i could feel the gushing substances from mah stomach and intestines at the tip of the throat. I cud haf suffocated mysef in that disgust.
It made me feel like shit and the more i haf to trouble ppl in assisting me. Nonos got worried fer me. My plan didnt work afterall, the feeling of death was an experience.
Sundae 25.MARCHIE. 2007
Was late to werk. I should be at werk at 8am. Guess wad time woke up? 7.59? Yah doesnt help, even i took a rocket. u noe wad i min..... FIFI was fine though coz no customer... he did cleaning and stuff den he be with his porche in his PSP. Yah , i noe. (LETS ROLL OUR EYES).. shit rubbish lar. Then, i had to extend mah werkin hours since i was late. haishh... but throughout the end of the day, i was very super damn lame lohh.. and baby chino so had to bear with mah nonensense.. hahah.. shit rubbish sickness...
Got home, mama bebeh's fren kept askin abt me to whether i wana join her niece cheerleading team... hmmm..... i wudnt mind fer the fun of it.. and perhaps tats could regain mah stamina and active lvl. u noe..... She said... she kinda like me... urm.. i dunoe....
den i got hook by the comp the whole time until Grey NOT, called
Not long after that when whiskey coconut and bro bebeh got hm...... the story begins......
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